The Famous Actress

            Famous Actress 

                        [Actress is on the edge of a movie set, sitting in a tall padded bar chair before a portable make-up table. The table’s mirror is surrounded with lights, the table-top messy with brushes, jars and tubes of make-up.  Actress is admiring herself in the mirror while sucking on a black straw stuck into a large glass filled with ice and clear fluid. The Famous Actress scowls at at something in the mirror and swivels around to scowl bigger at a Camera Man, pointing the movie camera at her.

Hey cave-ape, what the hell are you doing?

    Camera Man

[breaks off from camera] 

              The Director wanted me to practice my dolly zoom while we’re taking five.  

          Famous Actress 

            Shove your dolly zoom, fat boy.  Back the hell up, what are you, a stalker? [Actress spins around to mirror, puts drink down on make-up table, looks into lit mirror.]  God, this movie’s a nightmare.   Every one’s jacking each other off, sucking dick to get a better part. Christ, I should’ve have taken that horror script. At least it had a hot zombie.

[swivels around to Camera Man] 

Okay retard, you can come in now.  Do your little zoom thing, play with your dick, sniff butt, I don’t care, just get it over with.              

 Camera Man 

I don’t play with myself, maam, or sniff butt.  I have a girlfriend. 

                                                            Famous Actress 

 I don’t care about your little girlfriend, dipshit.  She’s probably ugly and stupid.  [Camera Man fiddles with camera] Are you sure you know how to work that camera, Slow Boy? 

                                                            Camera Man 

 I’ve been working camera for nine years.  

                                                            Famous Actress 

You’ve been sucking off the producers for nine years, you mean.  [Camera Man swings camera around to point at another actress] Hey, don’t point your lens at that bitch!  She can’t act and she’s got a fat ass! [Camera pans back to Famous Actress.  Famous Actress calling out] Hey, I’m the star here, people!   Remember that!  I feed you and clothe you and feed your gimp families!  You need me!  You all need me!  [picks up glass and takes big angry draws on straw] 

                                                           Camera Man 

Okay, Miss Dalio.  Can we practice our dolly zooms now?    

                                                            Famous Actress 

[angrily places glass on make-up table] Who the hell said you could call me Miss Dalio? 

                                                Camera Man 

Uh…no one but I thought you wouldn’t mind, you know, us working together. 

                                                Famous Actress 

Drink piss, Camera boy.  We don’t work together.  You do what I tell you.  I’m the star.  You’re a bottom feeder, barely slime.  You lick my shoes, rub my sweatyou do my bidding, you drive my car, that’s it.  Now, dolly in quick, screw the director and his slow zooms.  I’m calling the shots around here. 

Camera Man 

 Okay Miss, here we go…”    [camera dollys in] 

 Famous Actress 

Cut!!  Goddamn it!  Come in quickly!  If you were filming my pussy, you’d zoom in like a mutherfucker! 

                                                Camera Guy 

Ya, I know, but the director wants it slow. 

                                                Famous Actress 

 Who’s the star around here?  [yelling to the set] This is my movie, people, you are nothing without your goddess!   You’re dust, you’re pebbles!  I’m the star!  The people pay to see me!  They want me!  My pussy!  My tits!  Not you!  This director’s a Nazi!  He hits kids!  He blows coke!  He’s a rapist!      

                                                Camera Guy 

But he’s the director.  I’ve gotta do what he tells me.   

Famous Actress 

[exploding] 

  I’m surrounded by fucking sheep! [to Camera guy]  Get the hell away from me rat boy!  You’re all uselesss! [camera dollys back, everyone flees, Actress swivels to mirror to look at herself]  Fuckin’ shit director, fucking little girls. Ordering everyone around. [swivels around to face set] This whole city’s full of fuckin’ Germans!  Dog directors and leeches!  Everyone’s using me and fucking up!  Bitsy! 

[the Personal Assistant, Bitsy, swoops in with a notepad and pen raised.]  Yes, Miss?” 

[The Actress puffs up with irritation].  “Bitsy, back away, I swear to God, I’m going to murder someone!  [Bitsy backs ten feet away as The Actress takes long pull on the black straw, swivelling around to look at herself in mirror to calm down, primps angrily] Little rat krout puke, making me wait, the greatest actress, a queen. [becomes dreamy, soft]  I’ll get an Oscar for this roll. [dreaming] I’ll be worshipped.  A queen of love. [gazes dreamily at her reflection] The queen of hearts.  Breaks all men’s hearts with her beauty and wit and grace, then casts them away, crying and hating life.  [breaks out of dreamy state, looks hard in the mirror] Bitsy, call my stupid husband!  Tell him to clean the dog crap off the lawn!  I’m sick of looking at it. [takes a big slurping drink through straw and noisily finishes drink] And tell him to finish signing my fan letters!”  [Bitsy quick curtsies and rushes off] 

Famous Actress swivels chair away from mirror and sits back, to herself] Shit fans.  Fuckin’ men.  [punches cell phone] Hey TipTop, can you make a delivery?  Ya, two, and chunks this time.  Cool.  Okay, see ya.”  [clicks off] “Where’s my drink!  Peons!  Bitsy!  Where’s my goddamn drink!”   [cell phone rings, checks number, clicks on]  Yo Marty, you little lying worm.  You call yourself an agent?   I’m going to kill this director.  He needs a straight jacket and a rubber suit. 

 [a Girl runs in with a jug and fills Actress’s large glass] 

 [Actress jerks up angrily in her chair] He’s OCD and psychotic!  And his breath stinks!.  [picks up glass and sucks on straw, growing anger] I don’t care how many Oscars he’s won, he’s  controlling and a freak!  He’s coked out too, he keeps disappearing and playing with his nose, won’t look me in the eye. What?  Listen you little puke, you’re getting fifteen percent of my fifteen million for this fuckin’ bomb.  I’ve had it with the stupid zooms and stupid Germans and twits who can’t even make a decent drink.  I get what I want, Marty, or I walk.  Plus I want a hair salon for all the shit they’ve put me through.  [Slurps drink for a long time]  What?  No. He’s arrogant and controlling!  He yells!  He burps and farts and swears.  I won’t have it!  I’ll revolt!  I’ll take a bath!  I’ll throw an atom bomb on this place!”   [clicks off, punches a number, sucks straw heavily on drink]  

“Yo Gastion, how’re the party plans going?   No, I don’t want midgets serving drinks.  My A-listers bending over for cocktails?  They can barely bend over to tie their shoes.  And no screamo bands.  Those last pricks drank all my liquor.  And my panties were messed up.  What?  An Asian country band?   I think you’re mentally deranged.   For God’s sake Gastion, I need a party for the stars, not badminton playing chinese.   Think Cleopatra meets The Titanic meets The Planet of The Apes.  Think slick and erotic, think ancient war torn lands, think tragedy, revenge, mental illness, can you give me that, Gastion?  In your fabulous gay world of wonders and swollen worms, can you at least give me that?   Alright, stop crying, you wuss whisperer, now piss off into your gay world and make my party work.  [clicks off, kills drink] “Where is everyone!  The queen bee is calling its servants!  Where’re all my slaves!”  [The Drink Girl appears with the jug, fills glass to top and scurries away. The Actress sucks on the straw. The Make-up girl creeps in, meek and scared.  The Actress puts the glass down and gives the Make-up Girl a little nod.  The Make-up girl tiptoes up close timidly, barely waving a blushing brush over the Actress’s face.] 

                                                Famous Actress 

                                           [to make-up girl]  

I’m not a dog your grooming.                                                  

                                                Camera Guy 

[leans in] We’re ready to go, Miss Dar…I mean Ma’am. 

        Famous Actress 

[to Camera Man] 

                  I’m not your stupid teacher either.  [to set] Okay, back away, leeches, a goddess must prepare to rise above her people!  [the make-up and hair people hurry away. The Actress, unsteadily clunks the glass on the make-up counter.    She closes her eyes, blows a single droning note and rolls head in a big circle.   Phone rings.  She wobbles upright and checks the number, answers]  What Rollo?  Jesus Christ, you suck as an accountant.  How did my mother get so fucked-up, marrying an old dick like you.  You still looking at little girls, Rollo?  Or is it boys, now?   Hey, old man, don’t you fuckin’ threaten me, those trips to Vegas were all business!  The cops started it!  And those bitch strippers!  They had weed in their pussies!  Fuckin’ weasel, I’d love to see you bumholed in prison! [clicks off, phone rings, picks up] This better be important Andre, you’ve been fucking with my dress for a week now.  An alligator bustier?  Jesus Christ, how about cunt teeth and a sword?   No Andre, not ruffles either.  I want a dress that says don’t fuck with me or you die.  [clicks off, punches number] Hey Marty, have the news cameras there at seven, not later when everyone’s drunk and screwing.  What?  She can’t make it?   She’d spread her legs for a margarine commercial.   Tell her to finger herself.  What?  If this director stays, you’re out. [clicks off.  Phone rings]  No, Gastion, I don’t want nude waiters, all those balls and cocks.  No clowns either, they’re freaky.  God, you’re an idiot.  [clicks off, phone rings, she answers]  What Andre?  I don’t wear shoes.  I showcase them.  Two and a half toes showing, no more, I don’t like my pinky, and don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you.  [clicks off, grabs glass and swallows down the remainder of the drink, slams the empty glass onto the make-up table and yells] Slaves!  Where’s my fucking drink!  [punches number into phone as Drink Girl runs in with jug and new glass with ice in it. She fumbles with the glass.  The Actress, ear to the phone, waiting impatiently for the other end to pick up, is silently watching the girl.  The girl pours the colorless liquid from the jug over the cubes.  The girl smiles timidly at the Actress.] 

[superiorly, disdainfully] God, you’re so young and so stupid.”   

[timidly] Yes ma’am. [Girl slinks away.] 

[Actress lifts straw out of drink, throws it away, and takes three big swallows of the drink] Marty, what the fuck you making me wait for?  I don’t care if you’re wiping your ass.  Do I get a new director, or what?  Those bastards won’t talk to me?  Did you tell them I want a hair salon for all their bullshit?  Jesus Christ, Marty, and you call yourself the Jewish Jaws?   Hey hornblower, I can’t help it if I’m beautiful. What?   I’ve made you and your sweaty mother so fuckin’ rich.     Hey, those e-mails are private, you sneaky little snake!  Drugs?  I don’t do drugs,…most of the time.  Pictures?  You’re bluffing.  With the director?  I don’t believe you. With Hitler? You fucking little mutherfucker!  I’ll sue your ass off!   I’ll tell everyone you whack off in your sweaty mother’s bra.  I’ll say she still breast feeds you, wipes your big fat ass!  Okay…calm down Marty, take a deep breath.   Picture the million five you’ll be skimming from my pay.  Calm Marty, stay calm, I know you work hard, take deep breaths, think of Moses, the tablets.  Breathe.  The burning bush, god with a great beard, wise men in gold and black scribed by Rabis and prophets and heads of church centuries later to hobble the serf’s brain to punishment and hell by god if they didn’t bow down to the church, bunch of conmen hypnotizing you fools.   There you go, Marty.  Keep breathing.    Think of all the dough we’ll take from this town.  All the glory.  Okay.  Feel better?   Good, now get rid of this director.  He’s a coked up and hates strong women.  [clicks off, kills drink]   

[tipsy close to drunk, calling out] Bitsy, did you call my husband?  [to self] God he’s like a shit stain at my parties.   [phone rings, clicks on] I told you not to call Rollo.  God, you’re so stupid!  I can’t stand your dripping face whining and melting into uselessness.  What? The midgets can be a write-off?    And then people will like me?  Okay Rollo, stop screwing boys and don’t hurt my mother or I’ll kill you. I know guys.  [clicks off, phone rings, looks, clicks on] Gastion, talk to me. [gazes at herself half drunkenly into mirror] Okay, go with the pyramid, build the ship, but lose the chimps.  They’ll beat-up the midgets.  [clicks off, punches number] Andre, forget the fuck with me or you die dress.  I want fuck with me and your whole family dies. [clicks off, punches number] Hey TipTop, where the hell are you?  I’m getting boogie.   Hang tight, this won’t take long.  [clicks off, to set] “Okay assholes, I’m ready for my fucking close up!”  

  Famous Actress

[sitting on the side of a movie set, in a tall padded bar chair, with a lit mirror and makeup behind her. Sucking through a black straw stuck into a large clear glass of fluid and ice, the Famous Actress breaks off to scowl at the Camera Man, pointing the movie camera at her] Hey Fucknuts, do I look ready to you?”

‍ ‍

Camera Man

The Director wanted me to practice my dolly zoom while we’re taking five.

Famous Actress

Shove your dolly zoom, cyclops. Back the fuck up, give fabulousness some air. [puts drink down on make-up table, looks into lit mirror.] God, this movie’s a nightmare. Should have taken that other roll. Fuckin’ agents. [swivels around to Camera Man]

Okay retard, you can come in now. Do your little zoom thing, play with your dick, sniff butt, I don’t care, just get it over with.

Camera Man

I don’t play with myself, maam, or sniff butt. I have a girlfriend.

Famous Actress

I don’t care about your little girlfriend, dipshit. She’s probably ugly and stupid. [Camera Man fiddles with camera] Are you sure you know how to work that camera, Slow Boy?

Camera Man

I’ve been working camera for nine years.

Famous Actress

You’ve been sucking off the producers for nine years, you mean. [Camera Man swings camera around to point at another actress] Hey, don’t point your lens at that bitch! She can’t act and she’s got a fat ass! [Camera pans back to Famous Actress. Famous Actress calling out] Hey, I’m the star here, people! Remember that! I feed you and clothe you and feed your gimp families! You need me! You all need me! [picks up glass and takes big angry draws on straw]

Camera Man

Okay, Miss Dalio. Can we practice our dolly zooms now?

Famous Actress

[angrily places glass on make-up table] Who the hell said you could call me Miss Dalio?

Camera Man

Uh…no one but I thought you wouldn’t mind, you know, us working together.

Famous Actress

Drink piss, Camera boy. We don’t work together. You do what I tell you. I’m the star. You’re a bottom feeder, barely slime. You lick my shoes, rub my sweatyou do my bidding, you drive my car, that’s it. Now, dolly in quick, screw the director and his slow zooms. I’m calling the shots around here.

Camera Man

Okay Miss, here we go…” [camera dollys in]

Famous Actress

Cut!! Goddamn it! Come in quickly! If you were filming my pussy, you’d zoom in like a mutherfucker!

Camera Guy

Ya, I know, but the director wants it slow.

Famous Actress

Who’s the star around here? [yelling to the set] This is my movie, people, you are nothing without your goddess! You’re dust, you’re pebbles! I’m the star! The people pay to see me! They want me! My pussy! My tits! Not you! This director’s a Nazi! He hits kids! He blows coke! He’s a rapist!

‍ ‍

Camera Guy

But he’s the director. I’ve gotta do what he tells me.

‍ ‍

Famous Actress

[exploding]

I’m surrounded by fucking sheep! [to Camera guy] Get the hell away from me rat boy! You’re all uselesss! [camera dollys back, everyone flees, Actress swivels to mirror to look at herself] Fuckin’ shit director, fucking little girls. Ordering everyone around. [swivels around to face set] This whole city’s full of fuckin’ Germans! Dog directors and leeches! Everyone’s using me and fucking up! Bitsy!

‍ ‍

[the Personal Assistant, Bitsy, swoops in with a notepad and pen raised.] Yes, Miss?”

[The Actress puffs up with irritation]. “Bitsy, back away, I swear to God, I’m going to murder someone! [Bitsy backs ten feet away as The Actress takes long pull on the black straw, swivelling around to look at herself in mirror to calm down, primps angrily] Little rat krout puke, making me wait, the greatest actress, a queen. [becomes dreamy, soft] I’ll get an Oscar for this roll. [dreaming] I’ll be worshipped. A queen of love. [gazes dreamily at her reflection] The queen of hearts. Breaks all men’s hearts with her beauty and wit and grace, then casts them away, crying and hating life. [breaks out of dreamy state, looks hard in the mirror] Bitsy, call my stupid husband! Tell him to clean the dog crap off the lawn! I’m sick of looking at it. [takes a big slurping drink through straw and noisily finishes drink] And tell him to finish signing my fan letters!” [Bitsy quick curtsies and rushes off]

Famous Actress swivels chair away from mirror and sits back, to herself] Shit fans. Fuckin’ men. [punches cell phone] Hey TipTop, can you make a delivery? Ya, two, and chunks this time. Cool. Okay, see ya.” [clicks off] “Where’s my drink! Peons! Bitsy! Where’s my goddamn drink!” [cell phone rings, checks number, clicks on] Yo Marty, you little lying worm. You call yourself an agent? I’m going to kill this director. He needs a straight jacket and a rubber suit.

[a Girl runs in with a jug and fills Actress’s large glass]

[Actress jerks up angrily in her chair] He’s OCD and psychotic! And his breath stinks!. [picks up glass and sucks on straw, growing anger] I don’t care how many Oscars he’s won, he’s controlling and a freak! He’s coked out too, he keeps disappearing and playing with his nose, won’t look me in the eye. What? Listen you little puke, you’re getting fifteen percent of my fifteen million for this fuckin’ bomb. I’ve had it with the stupid zooms and stupid Germans and twits who can’t even make a decent drink. I get what I want, Marty, or I walk. Plus I want a hair salon for all the shit they’ve put me through. [Slurps drink for a long time] What? No. He’s arrogant and controlling! He yells! He burps and farts and swears. I won’t have it! I’ll revolt! I’ll take a bath! I’ll throw an atom bomb on this place!” [clicks off, punches a number, sucks straw heavily on drink]

“Yo Gastion, how’re the party plans going? No, I don’t want midgets serving drinks. My A-listers bending over for cocktails? They can barely bend over to tie their shoes. And no screamo bands. Those last pricks drank all my liquor. And my panties were messed up. What? An Asian country band? I think you’re mentally deranged. For God’s sake Gastion, I need a party for the stars, not badminton playing chinese. Think Cleopatra meets The Titanic meets The Planet of The Apes. Think slick and erotic, think ancient war torn lands, think tragedy, revenge, mental illness, can you give me that, Gastion? In your fabulous gay world of wonders and worms, can you at least give me that? Alright, stop crying, you wuss whisperer, now piss off into your gay world and make it work. [clicks off, kills drink] “Where is everyone! The queen bee is calling its servants! Where’re all my slaves!” [The Drink Girl appears with the jug, fills glass to top and scurries away. The Actress sucks on the straw. The Make-up girl creeps in, meek and scared. The Actress puts the glass down and gives the Make-up Girl a little nod. The Make-up girl tiptoes up close timidly, barely waving a blushing brush over the Actress’s face.]

Famous Actress [to make-up girl]

I’m not a dog your grooming.

Camera Guy

[looking into the camera lense.] We’re ready to go, Miss Dar…I mean Ma’am.

Famous Actress

[to Camera Man]

I’m not your stupid teacher either. [to set] Okay, back away, leeches, a goddess must prepare to rise above her people! [the make-up and hair people hurry away. The Actress, unsteadily clunks the glass on the make-up counter. She closes her eyes, blows a single droning note and rolls head in a big circle. Phone rings. She wobbles upright and checks the number, answers] What Rollo? Jesus Christ, you suck as an accountant. How did my mother get so fucked-up, marrying an old dick like you. You still looking at little girls, Rollo? Or is it boys, now? Hey, old man, don’t you fuckin’ threaten me, those trips to Vegas were all business! The cops started it! And those bitch strippers! They had weed in their pussies! Fuckin’ weasel, I’d love to see you bumholed in prison! [clicks off, phone rings, picks up] This better be important Andre, you’ve been fucking with my dress for a week now. An alligator bustier? Jesus Christ, how about cunt teeth and a sword? No Andre, not ruffles either. I want a dress that says don’t fuck with me or you die. [clicks off, punches number] Hey Marty, have the news cameras there at seven, not later when everyone’s drunk and screwing. What? She can’t make it? She’d spread her legs for a margarine commercial. Tell her to finger herself. What? If this director stays, you’re out. [clicks off. Phone rings] No, Gastion, I don’t want nude waiters, all those balls and cocks. No clowns either, they’re freaky. God, you’re an idiot. [clicks off, phone rings, she answers] What Andre? I don’t wear shoes. I showcase them. Two and a half toes showing, no more, I don’t like my pinky, and don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you. [clicks off, grabs glass and swallows down the remainder of the drink, slams the empty glass onto the make-up table and yells] Slaves! Where’s my fucking drink! [punches number into phone as Drink Girl runs in with jug and new glass with ice in it. She fumbles with the glass. The Actress, ear to the phone, waiting impatiently for the other end to pick up, is silently watching the girl. The girl pours the colorless liquid from the jug over the cubes. The girl smiles timidly at the Actress.]

[superiorly, disdainfully] God, you’re so young and so stupid.”

[timidly] Yes ma’am. [Girl slinks away.]

[Actress lifts straw out of drink, throws it away, and takes three big swallows of the drink] Marty, what the fuck you making me wait for? I don’t care if you’re wiping your ass. Do I get a new director, or what? Those bastards won’t talk to me? Did you tell them I want a hair salon for all their bullshit? Jesus Christ, Marty, and you call yourself the Jewish Jaws? Hey hornblower, I can’t help it if I’m beautiful. What? I’ve made you and your sweaty mother so fuckin’ rich. Hey, those e-mails are private, you sneaky little snake! Drugs? I don’t do drugs,…most of the time. Pictures? You’re bluffing. With the director? I don’t believe you. With Hitler? You fucking little mutherfucker! I’ll sue your ass off! I’ll tell everyone you whack off in your sweaty mother’s bra. I’ll say she still breast feeds you, wipes your big fat ass! Okay…calm down Marty, take a deep breath. Picture the million five you’ll be skimming from my pay. Calm Marty, stay calm, I know you work hard, take deep breaths, think of Moses, the tablets. Breathe. The burning bush, god with a great beard, wise men in gold and black scribed by Rabis and prophets and heads of church centuries later to hobble the serf’s brain to punishment and hell by god if they didn’t bow down to the church, bunch of conmen hypnotizing you fools. There you go, Marty. Keep breathing. Think of all the dough we’ll take from this town. All the glory. Okay. Feel better? Good, now get rid of this director. He’s a coked up and hates strong women. [clicks off, kills drink]

[tipsy close to drunk, calling out] Bitsy, did you call my husband? [to self] God he’s like a shit stain at my parties. [phone rings, clicks on] I told you not to call Rollo. God, you’re so stupid! I can’t stand your dripping face whining and melting into uselessness. What? The midgets can be a write-off? And then people will like me? Okay Rollo, stop screwing boys and don’t hurt my mother or I’ll kill you. I know guys. [clicks off, phone rings, looks, clicks on] Gastion, talk to me. [gazes at herself half drunkenly into mirror] Okay, go with the pyramid, build the ship, but lose the chimps. They’ll beat-up the midgets. [clicks off, punches number] Andre, forget the fuck with me or you die dress. I want fuck with me and your whole family dies. [clicks off, punches number] Hey TipTop, where the hell are you? I’m getting boogie. Hang tight, this won’t take long. [clicks off, to set] “Okay assholes, I’m ready for my fucking close up!”